"Sweet Thames, run softly, for I speak not loud or long.
But at my back in a cold blast I hear
The rattle of the bones, and chuckle spread from ear to ear." -- The Wasteland by T. S. Eliot
Good afternoon my chummy chums, I sit in my house again. I have a lot of plans for this winter break, among which are shopping (which must be accomplished soon, I think). I'm sure you'll agree that when you hear from me my plans you'll say something like, "Great Scott!" or "You crazy man!" I digress, I'm home again and you shall soon find yourself in my friendly embrace. Shantih.
"But that's the whole root of the evil. Words. Each of us has, inside him, a world of things, to everyone, his world of things. And how can we understand each other, sir, if, in the words I speak, I put the sense and value of things as they are inside me, whereas the man who hears them inevitably receives them in the sense and with the value they have for him, the sense and value of the world inside him?"Six Characters in Search of an Author by Luigi Pirandello
Well everyone, Thanksgiving break starts Wednesday and I plan on being back in my hometown that very day. It's hard to express my joy. I shall be less of a Stranger in proximity, yet perhaps more in my manner. I look forward to hearing your reflections on the ways I have subtly shifted. I miss my friends.
In response to popular demand I am going to post MORE PICTURES. So, here you go. I was going to upload a video, until it didn't work.
These were taken at my birthday party, held at my sister's new place. First photo features Joe Cheatwood and Amy Kucks, the second photo is of course Bek and Meg, the third photo has Katie Roberts on the left and Abigail Maricle on the right, and the last photo has Amy and John Adams (I call him Grr). Had plenty of fun at said event.
This will have to tide everyone over until I return on Wednesday, I'm off to write a paper!
"He went to the study, lay down, and once again was left alone with It. Face to face with It, unable to do anything with It. Simply look at It and grow numb with horror." The Death of Ivan Ilyich
Ello chums. The Stranger has again made a rare appearance on the web, although not so rare as Sonic. *cough* I have enjoyed a break this weekend and have been sleeping and resting my poor study addled brain. The days have been sunny and peaceful. There really isn't too much to report from the South but I'll try to make it interesting.
So far my midterms have returned good grades, one example; Physics = A+. I wait on bated breath for most of the others. I'm thoroughly glad my midterms are over, they were the most difficult two weeks I've had scholastically in some time but the arduousness has so far paid off - by the Grace of God! My coming weeks are less busy but have greater potential evils as I'll be reaping what I sowed in grades. Let it be that I sowed adequately!
Other news, other news... Oh right, Guy Fawkes' night is coming soon. In two days I'll achieve the double deuce. Yeah yeah, we're getting rather advanced in age folks. XD
Rebekah moved, her new place is nice. Meg is not crawling she's "scooting". I'm not sure if we can dice those terms so finely but I'm not going to contradict the mother majority. She scoots fast and it's rather cute.
I saw Where the Wild Things Are in theater on Sunday. I am a Wild Thing. As if you didn't already know, hehe. Anywho, I GREATLY enjoyed the movie. So much so that I could barely contain myself within the seat while the drama was being played out. Afterward I was skipping about with great energy and joy. That movie so well depicted one of the core facets of my personality that I was astounded and delighted to find I was not alone in this Wild mode of life. *Howls*
Hey everybody. My left hand is injured from a football game so I have to keep this update short or else. Things are going pretty well right now, besides my gympy left hand. I think I did really well on my bio and freedom's midterms, my freedom's paper is written (just needs proofing and revision), and the weekend was exactly what I needed. Now all I have to do is finish the paper, study for my western literature exam (minimal time), study for my timed physics midterm (more time), and study for my Latin III midterm (most time). Pray for me! This week is intense but after it the school year winds down till finals.
"Raskolnikov went into the passage and pulled the bell. The same bell, the same cracked note. He rang it a second and a third time; he listened and remembered. The hideous and agonizingly fearful sensation he had felt then began to come back more and more vividly. He shuddered at every ring and it gave him more and more satisfaction." Crime and Punishment
Hello everyone. The time is 5:41 in the AM and here I sit to update my friends. This morning I was awoken at 3:50 by the Spirit of God, telling me to get in some quality time before beginning my day. Worthy is the Lamb who was slain, Holy, Holy, is He.
There is quite a bit to update everyone on, this campus is very fast paced and politically dramatic. It's hard for an undiplomatic person like myself to find much sympathy here but this fact is slowly changing. I've come to an epiphany one that I've had before as a realization only... but this time it seems strong and deep and real. I need to change. My very character needs to change.
It's hard for a strongly set individual like myself to fully accept this fact (which is why it has taken a couple years for me to surrender). So. I have found that the very people I want to help mend and bring to the Truth with love I often hurt with my ungentle (although true) observations and comments. This tendency points back to my formative years when my few friends were extremely troubled individuals who really needed to be kept grounded in reality. There is nothing wrong with being concerned and wanting to help but there are some things wrong with the way in which I proceed with it. My peers are not kids so I can't just correct them like I did those young versions of my friends in the past, they need to be respected. For this, and some other reasons that I'll keep to myself for now, I have been heavily convicted. God's solution, submit my very soul in humility to Him knowing full well that He is the only one capable of changing this hard set personality of mine. How far will He go? I'm not sure, and it's a little scary. But... I can promise you that He will only make me more like He wanted me to be from the beginning, I will be even more myself after than I am now. Now to less serious news.
This video is of Jeremy Siblrud's birthday bash (we called him the birthday beast). It was really, really fun. We played empire and some twisted version of musical chairs wherein the players sit on various couches with one in the center. This person in the center sets a condition, if you have ever done or been this condition then you must stand and find a seat somewhere else lest you be stuck yourself in the middle. Some of the best conditions, "Whoever would like to be abducted by the person you like." Jeremy; "Whoever has been in someone else's dream before." Me; "Whoever liked the the other things on the merry go round better than the horses." Amy. Glad I went, a good time had by all.
Making apple cider at the custodial party. It was yummy. Also, my mortal enemy attended (who also happens to be my supervisor) Derek. We watched Flushed Away (that's not rice!). Quite a few people attended, and I had a good time gallivanting around.
I also attended a Fusion Dance last night. I was originally not intending to go for various reasons (some of them pretty good reasons) but when it got close to beginning several friends of mine were quite surprised to find that I wasn't going. Their genuine advise made me reconsider my position. I had fun, although I was mad that the beat was harder to distinguish in the modern music. I say that classic ballroom dance should have music after the style it was intended to be in. But I did get to practice waltzing, a lot. Which is good. I also apparently made Ashley's night. I only danced once with her but one of her friends had some upsetting news of some sort or another and she had needed the pick me up. If this was the whole reason for me to have gone, then it was worth every minute I could have been reading Crime and Punishment.
Lest you think that it's all play and no work down here at the college, think again. We just dedicated the Barbara Hodel Center and opened it totally to the students to peruse (and to clean). It's huge. It has seven bathrooms two of which are also locker rooms. Instead of doing homework I worked for custodial for around twenty hours last week, more than half of which were on Friday and Saturday. It was worth it. We have a coffee house. I got to meet a lot of the parents and siblings. The highlight of the week, hearing Mrs. Hodel try to speak to us. She's a quadriplegic because two years ago she fell down the stairs and broke her spine. Dr. Farris decided that it would be a good idea to name the building after her because her faith was astronomical. Her voice was broken and she was emotional and she sounded like someone with down syndrome. I think every student wept inside. She set a fire burning in us, that building is a lightning rod now, and a generator besides. Every day I walk past it I am going to remember all the giving and all the symbolism behind it, and it is going to steel (as in harden!) my resolve.
Oh, and there was homecoming. But I never got to attend anything because I was cleaning. But I'm not bitter about it, after all there is always next year. This coming week I have a buffer, a breath. Before the BIG plunge of the last two weeks of October when everything happens at once. I like to say that my Midterms aren't really midterms. It's funny, only the freshman actually have midterms during midterms. The rest of us, well, we're special. ^__^
I now have to go read for Western Literature II. Until later!
"Unable to endure the aspect of the being I had created, I rushed out of the room, and continued a long time traversing my bed-chamber, unable to compose my mind to sleep." --Frankenstein
Greetings my friends. Time passes fast here on campus, I trust time will pass like a blitzing tunnel and the moment we see one another again be closer than it now seems. I took my first exam of the year on Thursday in Latin III, I think it went well but we shall see if I am a lover of opinion or knowledge when the grade is returned. I am slated to do a Physics exam this coming week as well at least it's take home.
This was taken at The Awakening. The event was originally advertised to me as an all day worship event, as you may very well suspect my excitement was quite high. When I arrived and heard the first band began to play I realized something, this was a Christian carnival not a worship event. My initial response was dismay but eventually I decided that there was a place for such activities, by any means let them come to the Truth. The gospel was preached by Disciple in a very clear and passionate way and I am thankful.
I had a headache there several times during the day, that atmosphere was difficult to discern with its mixture of ardor and apathy. Much to my delight I found the prayer tent, plopped down, and prayed for a long while for friends and family, and my headache. In the middle of praying for my headache to disperse I fell headlong into a nap. Yes, I know, spirit = willing, body = weak. And yet, when I awoke I was well rested and my head hurt no longer. Hallelujah.
I attended a Freshman Appreciation Swing dance. I danced every single dance save 3 and almost every dance was with someone I hadn't danced with before. I'll quote some comments made about my "skills". Jeff Weinmeister, "I saw you dancin' and I said, 'Dang that kid can cut a rug!'", Dan Levesque, "I think that your reputation as being just crazy is changed a little bit, you're still crazy but you do it in skillful ways." Bart Gingerich, "You're a brute when you dance. I'm bruter than you but still, you're a brute." Tanner Lovette, "I didn't expect any of the freshman to know how to dance, and you danced really well."
You may have noticed I didn't include female comments on my dancing skills. I can summarize them all in a single sentence. 'Thank you for the dance, you dance well, I had fun.' In the end a good time was had by most. (excluding those who must not be named, the ones who spurned the swing)
Here's a video of our victory tunnel after our girls won a game 5-1, and that's with many injured players. In fact, we have so many injured athletes that Dr. Farris said, "We could have an All American crutch fleet." Yeah, thanks.
There's not too much else to report. I have made a good friend in "someone like Laedelas", she even has an elfin name. With this friendship I have begun building my PHC family, as I do wherever I go. Dt the Christian mob boss. If any of you visit I'll make sure to introduce you to the new sister, Abbi. No brothers besides those I already had previous, Brian and Jacob. I think that perhaps my cube-mate Jeremy could fit that bill, he doesn't mind "the crazies" and he goes to fight club... We shall see! With that I leave you to attend to dinner, pax dei vobiscum.
Greetings all from Virginia! I, the Stranger, have found a place where there are few(er) ways in which I stick out! O_O It's rather odd (and on account of its oddness more correct)! I've only been down here a few weeks but I already have labels here are a few (for some kicks), Social Butterfly, Energizer Bunny, Absolutely Insane (footnote, but still loved), and the Man with No Shame. All of these nicknames come to my unending delight which only further aggravate the desires of the other students to SO name me. My sister wasn't kidding when she said that the College wouldn't know what hit them when I arrived, mwaha.
Despite the rigorous student honor code, statement of faith, and other various beliefs and regulations all students must conform to there are a LOT of differences among the believers here. There has been a "major" upset in the student government on account of a highly controversial act of the Student President. Jeff, our President, spoke at our first chapel. He said some VERY moving words... the only thing is he ALSO used an expletive as a Rhetorical device (an extremely effective one) to prove a point. Well, incredibly long story short Dr. Walker, the President of the College, has removed Jeff's powers as Student President but not his title. Neither of those actions are (technically) within Dr. Walker's authority to do. In a nut shell, it has turned into what just about every somewhat controversial affair can turn into in a highly political and intellectually charged area. It has turned into a political war between (most) of the students and Dr. Walker. Just today an underground journal "The Eggplant" was dropped in the dinning hall which satirically lambasted Dr. Walker (along with other issues) to the laughter of the students. My question, why does it have to be so potentially divisive? The general sage answer, because the College is what it is, Christian, political, and a beacon. Who is in the right? No one is entirely sure, all everyone knows is that both Jeff and Dr. Walker want desperately to do what is right.
This is after a guys soccer game against some school (we lost). Apparently we still have school spirit, *ra ra shish boom ba* Lake Bob and one of the weeping willows that I like to sit near. The SEAL. The sky down here in VA is just... so gorgeous. I rarely want to go inside around sunset, much to the amusement of just about any passing student. They watch me quizzically as I make strange noises like "nenne! MMmmm! Bu- Sun! AH! Class bu- *grumble*"
All is more than less well, devotions are like gold, fellowship silver, and just about every moment becomes cherished in one way or another. I only hope that what seems difficult but possible now doesn't change to flailing later, but I shall hope in God for I will again praise Him. Rejoice my friends! I feel like Anne of Green Gables, this whole college is more or less like my kindred spirit and the presence of God is strong with me. What can man (or homework) do to me?
And smile upon a friend. My former boss, Tony (great man of God), once drew a half of an oval on a piece of paper. He said, "Can you finish this figure for me?" I drew the other half of the oval. He said, "Ah but you forgot this." And he drew the tail of the fish. "Christians meet paths and share joy, and then they continue on. That's the meaning of the fish." I was pretty touched by the sentiment, and still remember that figure when saying goodbye even today (this was.... four years ago I think).
I go to college in Virginia. And I cherish these memories and relationships, these friends and family... these stalwart brothers. I wish to say, clearly, loudly, strongly this simple fact. I love you all, I love you all very much. Keep safe, be strong, watch over one another, be kind to one another, show the love of Christ in all things, and spur one another on in love to be united with Christ. I pray that in my absence all of you would grow and find peace, joy, and strength in your times of need. Happy trails, to you, until we meet again. For meet again we shall, either here or beyond gates more celestial.
A violin was telling a sad tale and I lived it. Do you hear the cricket's cry their sad lament? They sing, you find me not, you find me not! My love finds me not! Yet a lonesome cricket still chirps, still hopes somehow. The sun was just rising but I had risen long before it, the sun rises in joy and strength but I... I rise to spread the stain of salt and water down my checks. Play, play on my violin and make the clamor of my soul reality to my ears so that I might understand it. I slowly danced to the tune which beat inside my heart, singing softly, "Relax, take your time... Trust me and you will see... infinity." How long had I been promised that now?
I remembered... My father was laughing at the time, and mother was hiding somewhere. My big sister, her brave soul protected me, she was shrieking. Thwack! Thwack! Crack! CRASH! Stop, my child brain had demanded, stop it! You can't love us, you can't... not like this. And he didn't and doesn't. I'm just glad my sister escaped the hell of that house, I escaped to a different hell altogether. My friends were druggies, my family alcoholics, and my mentors criminals. There was no childlike innocence within me, no spark of hope divine or life care-free. Infinity? I'd forgotten the definition.
My sad dance of memories and sorrow led me to the bathroom. Ah, my strongest enemy, the with the sharpest tongue. My father had not been a kind man, nor my mother an encouraging woman, my friends had placed me at their feet to appear larger in their own eyes, and... all the world threw me to ashes. But no one compared to the sheer belief of a mirror. I stared in scorn and hate and contempt. Dash away violin! Scream out your vile anger in twisted cords and snap your bow upon the shredded strings! What was it I saw in the mirror? An abomination of a girl, hardly deserving the to bear the female sign. Gaunt and gangly, uncouth and ungraceful, and above all else altogether unlovely. The mirror also hated me, for it had not shattered from my visage out of spite. Oh yes, infinity was real but only as a negative reality. Infinite putrescence!
I wiped my mouth from the vomit and dared not to remember how many pills I had taken to get a hold of myself. I couldn't stop moving, couldn't stop for a moment breathing. But I had a semblance of control at the least. The violin was distant, like I was dead and buried already and it played on the other side of the casket for my passing. Hello world, let's pretend life again. I remembered how to smile and say, "Good morning." They actually meant their well wishes. I made an attempt to eat in order to make them feel like I was being a "good girl", I made my cricket cry in my heart and said nothing of my pain. Find me my love, find me my infinity. Come softly, my violin and speak to me of poison and a slow death of the dead already.
I took a walk in the park and thought about my many imperfections. I wanted and deserved death, I lied, I cheated, I drank and smoked and cut. And life punished me for it, I was beaten and betrayed by everyone to the most foul of degrees. Them I forgave already, because I knew I deserved all those and worse. And made my life amount to a slow torturous punishment. The sun was warm and the wind cool and the day perfect around me. I wanted to cry, why cannot you agree with me? I've made my infinity already, I diligently crafted it over time and with care and thought. Why didn't you let me drink the cup of sorrows I so arduously mixed?! Shriek, violin! Wake infinity for me and bid Him answer me!
"Cold hearted orb that rules the night!" I crowed at the sunny sky, "Let me decide what is right!" Silence replied my tantrum. Silence and I could stand no more. Not the silence, please. Where are you my violin? My cricket's cry for love? I wept in frustration, my muse, my music. My heart still had a song to sing, but no instrument to vent the song with. No more self deception, no more illusions. That's what the silence was to me. "Mercy!" I begged, though I wanted justice more than mercy. Every time I had cried for mercy in the past...
The mirror again, in my brain this time. Why the mirror?
*Little facets that there be, little crannies hard to see. Mirrors only see by light and light by life of power and might. Mirrors slice more keenly than swords and rebuke more potent than kingly words. Yet they make more beautiful than otherwise could be and bring a truth to the lies of the unseeing.*
Who spoke? Can it be? "What would you have of me my mirror? What can I offer to satisfy your unswerving gaze?"
*A perfect mirror always demands to reflect that which it is in all that stands. The world itself is not enough to match the silvered sight, but one who lived within below did live to be that light.*
Must I always be so humbled? To accept the beauty of another and not create my own, to let another drink a cup so perfectly mixed with sufferings in my place. To nail all imperfections and curses, all addictions and habits, and every other dark beast which resides within my heart upon him, must I always stay so contrite? Yet I have been in ashes already, I have been in squalor and humiliation... What difference is it to me that I finally become what I am? But a mere girl fashioned for the beauty of another. For years I lived like one who listens to the keening cry of death upon his laughing and pale mount. I could not but weep at the sound of the fires of Hades rising so hastily to my feet! I flew away, sinner that I was, for it was not then death that scared me half so much as life!
*Life again springs to you, do you dare to then renew? Accept this beauty for your own and ascend only to kneel at a throne.*
I, did and accepted fully and cried your pardon for me and requested your beauty on me! It was then that the image in the mirror went through many changes, showing a life and a death and a life eternal. Then, when it hung in the air of my mind like an everlasting symbol, it crashed and shattered.
*No more mirrors of judgment be, merely mirrors for refinement of thee. Laugh and dance and sing and grow for to you this mercy has been known.*
Greetings Gents! There are two primary reasons to my more absent postings of late. First, I've been working on a story and it hasn't been progressing well. Second, I was out of town! I visited a city three hours SSW of where I live currently, to my great delight. Enjoyed Mangolian style food, good fellowship, and new friendships. All in all a worthwhile trip. I also learned that at an illegal cruising speed of 75 MPH my 94 Honda Civic CX gets 61.79 miles to the gallon. MWAHA! This pleased my poor college student pockets to no end, I can almost one shot it to the college from just the numbers. It is only about 650 some miles away, and I did make it 590 before refilling. I digress, I want an opinion from you, my audience. Should I continue to try to make this current (sub-par imho) story work? OR should I abandon it in the hopes that I shall have some other concoction in the mixing? Up to you.
I was awake as I lay in my bed, enveloped in the darkness. I glanced around at the room for the hundredth time. I had long given up trying to remember when I had last actually slept. Time was a slippery thing to me and clocks only told me numbers, too many numbers. My eyes ran over the desk in the corner with its useless piles of papers that hadn’t been touched in a month. I saw the large dresser with its menagerie of trinkets and baubles that lay in a random pattern of chaos across the top. My eyes began to scale the walls. I found myself fixed upon the eyes of the miscellaneous people in the pictures that stared ahead with long-dead, leering eyes. Those pictures had meant something to someone who had once lived here. Had that someone been me before? I couldn’t remember. I had left them there simply because they held meaning. It was something real, to someone, somewhere, once upon a time. Then, I saw the large mirror where I was reflected, even in this dim light. My pale frail frame and my fair hair offered stark contrast to the dark camisole I wore but it was my eyes that caught me. Who was this staring back at me? A question that taunted me until I turned away; I couldn’t bear to hold the awful gaze.
I rolled out of bed and went to get a drink. The light in the hallway was such a stark contrast to the dimness of my room that for a moment I couldn’t see. I stood there blinded, feeling much like a deer, caught and frightened by the headlights of a car. Blinded. Trapped. As my eyes slowly adjusted to the light of the room, I began to see the details of the room: the open window allowing a cold breeze to stream in uninvited; the now dusty collage I had painted a year ago, a riot of color in a gloomy world; the golden pothos that sat on the table next to the window, wilting slowly from neglect, its beautiful vines still struggling to snake upwards. I knew how it felt as I tentatively began walking down the stairs. They were cold and smooth as glass against my bare feet. When I reached the bottom I stood there, holding to the banister as if I might fall when I let go. I focused only on breathing until finally I was able to release it. How pathetic I am I thought to myself, how frail. I moved my focus away from me and back to my surroundings.
The kitchen had faded ivy wallpaper that seemed as old as the house itself. The years had left their marks on the walls. A miscellaneous tale of scuffs, scratches and dust that I could not understand, but I liked it nonetheless. It wasn’t pretending to be something it wasn’t; it was honest. I scurried over to the fridge ignoring the fear creeping slowly across my bones as best I could. It had always been like this. A memory assaulted me unasked and unwanted. The hospital that day had been fairly empty. They had taken me to a room and set my wrist while I sat there silent and chilled. It must have been odd for the nurse that I remained so quiet as she cracked the bones back into place. Had she noticed the shadows in the room I think she would have been quiet too. The shadows swarmed and swirled in a slow macabre dance surrounding us, occasionally brushing past me. That day, when I heard the cries of what seemed thousands, I feared I was either dying or losing my mind entirely. I had only later learned that the hospital had been in use as a sanitarium when I was there. So then the nurses had at least heard the voices.
The coldness of the refrigerator brought me back into the present and eased the constant pounding in my head. I stood in the open door letting the chill wash over me for several minutes as more time slipped away; I longed to follow into that black oblivion. Where does time go when it passes us by? My heart clenched suddenly along with my lungs, and my stomach was troubled by a strange sensation of sliding... slipping. I ran to the sink emptying my stomach of the water I had just consumed. I wiped my mouth and shuddered, seeing a red light reflecting off the window over the sink. I turned.
He stood there, smiling, his sharp teeth a stark contrast to this house of darkness. I backed away only to bump into him behind me...no in front of me. Where are you? I tried to run but I was paralyzed, frozen like a stone to my spot. He lifted a pale hand adorned by long black claws and moved my hair away from my face, tucking it behind my ear, a strange act of gentleness. I shivered as I felt the same weakness that I always had as his presence invaded me. The memory came with the weakness, with the cold. It had been a winter night then, a dark winter night. I had snuck out of the house, I never did know why. He stood in the snow staring at me as I skulked around in the snow like some sort of small criminal. At first I took him to be a criminal. But then his pale blue eyes caught my dark ones, holding me prisoner with a petrifying gaze like the basilisks of old. I knew true fear for the first time in my life and understood that he was no criminal: he was far worse. I came out of the memory suddenly, instinctively shrinking back from his freezing touch and accidentally slamming my head into a hanging light. As the world tipped at an impossible angle he began to whisper something, almost inaudible. A song came to mind, “cause you know babe that I can't get you out from my in...you're under my skin, under my skin...” I screamed then, screamed and screamed until I lost consciousness.
It was the knocking that woke me I think. I didn’t know what it was at first. I was too lost; my mind remained disconnected from life. I tried to focus on the noise, muddled as it was, tried to force myself to listen. There it was again. It was familiar somehow, like a melody on the radio, a song whose name you’ve forgotten. Then, as if I had suddenly awakened, I realized what the noise was. It must have been the neighbors who called them I thought—screams in the middle of the night do tend to alarm people I supposed.
She found me curled into a tiny ball in a corner in my closet. How had I gotten there? I didn’t remember moving from the kitchen. She asked me how I was, I looked at her...through her, don’t really see her do we my pet? his voice whispered to me. “No, she isn’t real enough” I answered. I felt him smile inside me, a slithering, sickening motion that nauseated me. My muscles spasmed, responding on their own to him. I tried to crawl away from him, from the sickness he caused. He grabbed me pulling me towards him. The woman stared at me as he dragged me across the floor, his crushing form enveloping me, or I was I enveloping him? I grabbed my head as the pressure on my lungs increased and screamed dragging my sharp fingernails down my face babbling “Death would be kinder, the mind slipping away into the void, the endless wheel spinning in the darkness. We’re all tied to it, bound by the hands and legs. Oh get it off, get it off, off!” I screamed as I clawed myself, collapsing in a fit but remaining conscious somehow.
The woman spoke and fire seemed to fall from her tongue upon me. I jerked away from her hard, slamming my body into the ironwork of the bed. I turned and clung to it, to the chill of it. Stop I tried to scream, but she had begun again. I was useless to prevent her when I could barely see her. I could only burrow deep into myself. Run, run, run...run, run, run...it played over and over in my head, a demented mantra consuming my thoughts. Suddenly I felt a hand that was like an inferno. I tried to wrench away from her as my mind was slammed back into my body. I opened my eyes and clawed at my face, rising.
“Get away!” I shrieked. She smiled at me, asked me if I wanted to be myself again, without him. I panicked, “YES! I said then yelped “NO!” She simply watched me as I struggled inside myself. I began to pace frantically. “Stop...don't...yes...please...No I....help me!” I cried in broken sentences as I felt him slam me to the ground and hold me there. Still she watched in silence. I was able to stand again after what must have been an eternity and tried to run only to sit back down and curl my body into a tight ball. I sang to her, or me, or even him, that song in my head...“He's under my skin...he’s under my skin...he’ll always be in...oh gods!” I cried becoming more and more frantic. Her eyes continued to watch me, their intelligent kindness suddenly infuriating me. I rose and stepped towards her, suddenly every inch the arrogant powerful villain instead of the writhing cowering victim. She narrowed her eyes at me and spoke with that tongue of flames. I fell again and lay flat staring at the world as if I was an observer and not part of it. He held me down (or was it that he had fallen on me?) his oppressive weight making it impossible to move. My breath came in quick gasps, my lungs fighting to do their job, fighting his interference. “Help...me...oh god...please...I...PLEASE!” I begged, screamed, and cried, not even sure what I was asking as the tears ran down my face, mixing with the blood in my cuts, scrapes and scratches. She came to me and laid her now cool hand on my head. Everything in me screamed, spit, howled, hissed and jumped while I lay as if dead. Her clear eyes were the last thing I saw before I blacked out.
When I awoke, I felt as if I run a marathon. I was sore and tired, my head was heavy and my body was bruised, but I could breathe. I tried to open my eyes but they refused to obey, as if they knew what was best. I gave up, too tired to resist, and let sleep capture me once more. It was the best sleep I had had in years. When I finally rose, I was able to eat without my body rejecting it. I went outside—she said it would be good for me. (She was right as usual.) The sun was shining, the birds singing, a warm breeze blowing softly. I stared at the world as if for the first time. Had the sun always been this bright? Had the flowers always smelled like this?? I suddenly realized as I bent to pick a lily that I felt no foreign presence in my mind, no force on my chest, no pain...anywhere. At first I felt fear at the absence, but as I stood there able to breathe freely I forgot to be afraid. I smiled then laughed for the first time in over a decade. A different song was playing now, I sang merging my music with the rest of the world “it's gonna be a bright...bright...sunshiny day. And everything's gonna be ok, yeah everything's gonna be ok...”
Flames. Searing fire rolled across the vast wasteland like grass, an inferno savanna. In stark contrast to the flames I saw there was an equally expansive chasm of frost adjoining the flames. A wind alive and savage made a tornado of ice and screams in the midst of the abyss. I was hanging suspended between fire and ice, half my body shrieked for warmth and the other half died indeed for lack of cold. Agony, torment. I don't think I had stopped making some strange noise between a yell and a sob since being hung there. A blade was approaching me slowly, swinging for my neck. Please, let me die!
I awoke. My pillows were torn, the sheets ripped and my mattress soaked with tears and sweat. My breath came ragged to me and my ears pounded with the distress of my heart. No burns, no blackness of the bite of frost nor of the ravages of fire on my body. Hale, sound, whole. Shaking I stood and went to take a shower. Afterward I felt a little better, a little more real and stable. This house centered me, I had lived in it since childhood and every floor board, every swirl of ceiling paint was as familiar to me as the feel of the razor on my cheek. Home, safe.
I got ready for my workday and sighed, I had forgotten about my divorce papers. They were lying on the bedside table, waiting for my signature. Oh sweet Hannah, why? Depressed, I drove to work. What had I done to deserve divorce? I'd been faithful, diligent to work and support her and the kids, and gone the extra mile to stay connected to her and the kids... even after those trying days of making my boss see that my division was making profit. Nothing made sense. Until that letter about a hotshot named Rick and a bunch of convenient excuses about true love.
Before I knew it I had arrived at my designated parking spot. I must have driven on auto pilot, because I didn't remember the trip. Disturbed, I entered the building and said hello to those along the path to my office. "Well lo and behold here's Micky." Said my boss John. Sitting in my chair, drinking a cup of coffee and looking calm, John was never calm. "Good morning John." I said, trying to keep the caution out of my voice. "Sit down Mick." There it was, he only called me Mick when he was about to let a bomb drop. I sat.
An hour later I left the building stripped of my work ID card, building keys, and future. I took some deep breaths so I could resist the urge to scream or cry. No job, no family... What makes a man? What makes a life? Living the American dream... yet now the dream is over and the nightmare has come. Even more depressed I went home. I felt like a robot signing that divorce document, I felt like a dead man already signing my last will and testament. I took a walk.
The sky was dark and promising rain. The wind, like a harbinger of doom cried its banshee howl and pushed against me. My heart was a broken clock, my brain sludge. I was a hollow man. The time was 8:47 PM on Thursday, August the 23rd in the year 2008. My mind was clear, my heart stilled. Dry palms, clean forehead and steady knees accompanied me. I looked at the bottles of pills I had purchased, now all of them empty.
I woke up and the realization dawned on me like an undeniable horror. I was being baked and frozen and cut and the true nightmare hadn't been my suspension amid a fury of elements but the replay of my last moments in life. I looked to my left and another hanging figure said, "Yeah, welcome back. I think it must be the third year you have been here. You are new, it is obvious because you are still a dreamer. That will pass in time. Oh right, forgot to mention this but you can call me Lenin." I keened and wailed, and Lenin laughed and sobbed. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
I didn't think it would be this way, seeing the world like I do now. A grandfather clock was ticking out the minutes with his slow dreadful swing, like a scythe that cuts the time he counts. Death the clock... Death of time. I smiled, death was everywhere I looked. A mirror stood beside the clock giving the pendulum a double image and a different mirror behind the swinging scythe expanded the images beyond the eye. Infinite death... infinite animated death. I laughed, how novel! Death for eternity! Still laughing, I interposed my body among the images of decapitation and looked at myself.
Aaaah, now here is something worse than death perhaps. That freckle two/thirds of one millimeter to the left of my nose was as annoying as ever, if only there were another freckle two/thirds on the other side as well... then maybe the balance would be more bearable. At least my eyes were the exact same shade of blue and even the lines shooting out from my pupils were in the same places. Good good, I muttered, it's bearable at least. I can suffer with this body, ah but what I wouldn't give to be like the grandfather clock or maybe even a spirit! Always perfect that way. I went to the kitchen and looked for something to eat.
Food, it always looked so strange. My body demands it but everything shouts at me, I am ugly! Chicken looks like the skin of a man, beef the blood of him... Vegetables make me feel like a cow and fish like a bear. I suppose I might as well be a cannibal today and eat a steak, at least I'll still be human. Or am I even now? I looked up at the ceiling tiles, good. Still fifty-six whole tiles and seven half tiles in the ceiling. I sat down at the table and started eating the steak... memories.
So many memories here. I heard laughter echo down the halls of time, no no no! Memories are dead! Time killed you, time kills everything! Betake yourselves into the middle! I punched myself on the jaw and threw the chair to the floor. Leave me in peace, can I have peace? Does peace exist? Maybe... The real question is, if I met peace would I know it? I laughed, no I wouldn't. If I met peace I think I might run away just because I wouldn't understand it. I approached the table again with disdain and contempt, like picking up a dead rat. Time to leave the house.
Goodbye house, goodbye yard. The sun was making the sky bright but clouds were making the ground dark in shadows. It was fall and the leaves were turning. The great change of nature, the slow march to a cold grave of snow. Death in nature! I laughed and the neighbors saw me out. They quietly slipped into their houses. My town, a ghost town... A ghost man. I walked down the streets, a ghastly breeze spreading the chill of my mood before me. Beware children! I smirked at the thought as I arrived at my destination. The house, her house... Here again.
Memories threatened to engulf me and swallow me whole, no no can't yet... later I'll remember. I knocked. The sound, that mournful sound, that hollow house, my hollow heart. I laughed at the thought, ding dong here comes the chariot of flames. The door opened. I smiled, seeing my kin. Hello sister, I said politely, have you seen the sun today? It seems to have gone out at last! She looked at me, her eyes were far, far away. Hello brother, she said softly, yes.... perhaps the night will come for us at last? I entered the house.
Darkness was there... The darkness of our hearts, perhaps of our minds? Who knows, maybe this house is as it should be the only place that matches us. Burn world! Become charcoal and a wasteland, so that I can wander it and feel like we know each other, you are too blue and light world... I must be an alien. We danced, she and I, we danced. No music playing but the one in our head, the only tune we know. Do you realize... that everyone you know... someday... will die? Ahh, perfection! This is truth, this is right! I laughed and the floor creaked. Time to go sister, I said. Yes, it is time... perhaps like the Phoenix we will rise again from the ashes? I think not though, and it would be such a shame to disturb our well earned nothingness. Maybe memories stop once I die? Heh, probably not. It would be just my life for death to be the same as life.
I chuckled, no hope anyways. No, no hope, my sister muttered. We stood there, holding each other as we pondered death. Is it just the insanity of our minds which push us here? Does the world reject us... or do we reject it? Impossible to know, she said. Someone knocked on the door. I opened it and saw something I didn't think existed. A young man stood there, golden hair, golden eyes, bronze of skin. In his eyes I saw life, and light, and hope. I was like a helpless mouse, paralyzed by the eyes of a hawk. I couldn't move away, or look away. He smiled, a true, real smile. Would you like to know the sun? He asked me. The sun... is it possible for darkness to know light? Or for insanity to regain what it once lost? He laughed, knowing my thoughts. Yes! He said, it is possible for a creature such as you to become new! You will be reborn.
Hello faithful readers, I the Stranger have come back from finals week death (special case of resurrection, for another example please see Glorifindel) but with gusto and a whole slew of new ideas and stories for you all to enjoy (or at least read and consider). I hope to post some of these soon but the ideas I have are just too good to write in a hurried manner so it may be some time before my better ones come forth for your viewing pleasure. However, I would like to whet your appetite with a little something that I've been mulling over.
This is my latest apology for the defense of theism (in general) which is meant to appeal to the logic of scientists and atheists everywhere. I thought of this when in the final few weeks of my apologetics class and upon reading Dawkins The God Delusion had it solidified in my mind as a potential candidate for philosophy (I kid you not, I'm really considering putting a lot of time into this argument, quantifying it logically, making a prose version, researching it, and writing it into a dissertation). I'm so excited about it that I might even make it my thesis for my senior year depending on what people think of its validity and strength. So, without further adieu I'll introduce you to the concept (if you haven't had your ear talked off already).
Scientists in general are in agreement with the theory of the one-bounce big bang as the origination of the universe (I, personally, do not know if this is a proper interpretation of the evidence but it is at the very least possible). Our universe is governed by necessary physical and chemical laws which act and react to their fullest necessary extent. In other words, when sodium and chloride react to make table salt (NaCl) they can't help themselves, they just do. Their electron clouds have just enough space to fill each other out and become stable so they are unalterably attracted to each other. If you pour a bucket full of chloride into a vat of sodium of equal amount, given enough time to fully integrate, every single one of those elements will compound to make molecules without exception. This is the definition of the phrase, "fullest necessary extent" the elements react to each other and bond with each other until they no longer have the capability of bonding any more.
Now, the source from which our universe originated (for it is a logical anathema to think we came from nothing at all) is either another universe like ours (except much more complex and more energetic to an extreme degree) or it is an essential, infinite in matter and energy, coherent, and energetic (that is acting and reacting chemically and physically with itself). If it is another finite universe which gave cause to ours then that universe must also have had a source to its own creation. This therefore makes an infinite chain until we finally break down and admit that there is indeed an essential and infinite source.
Yet, why must the source be infinite in matter and energy, coherent and energetic as well? If this ultimate source was essential (having the property of always existing and of always being in existence) then it would run out of energy if it did not have infinite matter AND energy (energy converts into matter, and matter into energy constantly). Also, we have matter and energy in our universe and the source from which this universe comes must also have had at least as many elements as we see in our universe (otherwise none of them would exist). Coherence is just my fancy way of saying it's not utterly random and that it is located in a single mass (albeit, infinite). If this source did not have the coherence of necessary laws then it would never have created a universe such as ours which does have necessary and coherent laws we would, again, be rather different than we are. I use the word "energetic" to convey that the source is acting, doing things. Basically, a source may be essential and indeed infinite in every conceivable way but made of a noble gas or of some other inert substance which would ultimately cause it to do nothing at all. If this were the case, once more, our own universe would not even exist.
So, it is necessary to accept that this source of which scientists postulate must indeed be infinite in energy and matter, coherent, essential and eternal, and energetic. Alright! Here comes my major premise, hold on to your seats.
If we apply the law of necessary full extent of physical and chemical reaction as dictated by the different laws that must indeed govern this source then that source will always act and react to the fullest extent of its power. What is this sources ability and energy? Infinity! If sodium and chloride reacted to each other in this source they absolutely must continue to do so for eternity and with infinite energy and matter. Why? Because of two reasons, this source has to be infinite in both energy and matter. Everything about it cannot help but be infinite in energy and matter, infinity doesn't just apply to the limitless number of items but to each individual item itself. For example, in this source if we were to examine just one atom of pure energy (which must also exist in this source) we would never be able to quantify just how much energy it really has in there. It would just keep on going, and going, and going for eternity. Each individual "atom" (if there is such a thing in the source) must by extension of the word infinite be unlimited. If we somehow created a giant space window to see the source we would not be able to look at it because of the infinite light coming out which would (by necessity) illuminate our entire universe with unstoppable light. So much for being able to see ever again...
That's just how powerful, and scary, infinity is. Now, if the natural reactions inside this source really did cause it to spontaneously "overflow" and create the universe in which we now live then there are two necessary results. Number one, our universe must be infinite in energy and matter and number two our universe would not be a closed system because the source would still be continuing to send in energy and matter, for eternity. Here is where I call upon the German astronomer Olber. Olber created a paradox which basically states this, if we lived in a universe of infinite age with an infinite amount of stars distributed equally across the sky (as infinity would indeed demand) then we would not have a nighttime! We see the void of space and if nothing else in all of our understandings of thermodynamics and science lead us to believe that we will one day experience entropic death (if something else doesn't happen before then) then the very fact of voids in space should tell us we live in a finite universe. Also, the relative stability of the universe should tell us we live in a closed system. If we didn't live in a closed system our world (and other worlds or stars) would be randomly sucked into alternative universes or have other stars, galaxies, or even universes, randomly pop into our own! In order for any life to have existed on our world from the atheist scientist perspective this is necessary, we must have a closed system, otherwise there would never have been enough stability to foster life.
So the scientist is left with a dilemma because of the source's necessary full application of all of the actions and reactions which occur in it. They must therefore accept one of the two following options, either the source really did cause the universe like they postulate but had one more attribute to its list and that of intelligence or all of their scientific knowledge, all their laws and theorems, everything man currently accepts as chemistry, physics, quantum mechanics, and etc. is absurdly incorrect and must be rejected as untrue.
I have to make a name for this argument (which is an argument from cosmology) so I'd appreciate some suggestions. I know that it assumes that the scientists are right about how the universe came to be but I'm alright with this assumption if it furthers the cause of Christ. Also, if you see any inconsistencies or illogical steps please inform me because everyone I've shared this with has so far been unable to make any objection to the argument once they understand what it's claiming. If you have any questions about it or don't understand it please tell me. Here's a numbered format of the argument which is much shorter but by itself is hard to understand, that's why I wanted you to read the prose version (because I could explain things in simpler terms).
Given: The science of physics as true as well as the theory of the big bang.
1.The universe appeared as a singularity.
2.The source of the universe’s appearance is
a.Essential
b.Eternal
c.Infinite in energy
d.Infinite in matter
e.Coherent
3.If the types of physical laws which govern the un-intelligent source of all things are like the physical laws in our universe then they apply to the fullest necessary extent of power.
4.If they do apply to the fullest necessary extent then all the actions of the source will be infinite in energy, matter, and time.
5.If the source truly did create the universe then the universe would be infinite in energy and matter and would still be gaining energy from the source.
6.The universe is a closed system because of stability
7.The universe is a finite system because infinite energy or infinite matter would necessitate no void of space.
8.There is a void.
9.Therefore, either the source was an intelligent force intentionally limiting the amount of matter and energy He used to create the universe or all of the laws of physics as we understand them are completely false.
Strangely enough, the class that I'm not doing so hot in is the one I'm learning quite a bit from. Welcome to another discussion of philosophy the topic this time is Blaise Pascal. Pascal created the calculator, wrote the Pensees (and other books), and pioneered what is known today as computer logic. Without his contributions to the theory of mechanical logic, we would not have computers as we know them today. I'm no computer expert so I won't be treating his mathematics (phew) but his famous argument for the existence of God and the necessity of following Him.
The Great Wager! I really like this proof because it doesn't stop at God's existence but also proves that it is the Christian God and not some other *deity*. While the Pensees themselves are rather disorganized it's pretty easy to explain the logic to the Great Wager, which I'm thankful for. So here we go.
What's with life? What's with nature? What's with man? They are each of them self-contradictory, both affirming and denying God in the same breath with more or less of equal measure. Man is both noble and depraved, having his heart inclined to God but spurning Him with the intellect because nature both acclaims and obscures the very existence of its Creator. Man hopes in God but cannot seem to affirm Him mentally. Pascal calls this evidence a chaotic dilemma and man himself to be a "great chimera" (# 471) of the heart and the head.
Because both man and nature seem to affirm and deny God equally and constantly man himself is left with a terrible dilemma which forces him to choose, this is the Great Wager. If God does not exist and man not follow Him, then what benefit is that to man? He has no hope in life nor in death and lives his life resigned to the inevitability of nothingness. If God does exist and man not follow Him, then he gains but a short time to do his own will while living and loses eternity to the flames and the exquisite pains of separation in Hades. Therefore, if God does indeed exist then the infinite gain of eternal life with an infinite Being is, of course, of incomprehensibly more value than whatever amount of finite years you give in following Him. The possible gain makes the loss as dust on the scales, there is no comparison. Pascal loves this and he belabors his point just a little to draw out this distinction, what are the years you have lost if God does not exist since eternity is nothingness in that case and again what are those same years if God does exist since eternity is ever increasing bliss!
Now, a lot of people would at this point have a few objections. Namely, "I don't seem to have a choice in the matter!" or, "Well, sure fine but that still doesn't mean it's the Christian God specifically." Pascal pretty much rips these to pieces, to my delight. As for choice, why would you choose the desert over the oasis? The frozen tundra to the tropical paradise? As for not the Christian God, Pascal provides a short defense of the faith over others. 1. Christianity addresses both God's perfection and man's falleness and reconciles them together (no other religion offers this). 2. Christianity has fulfilled prophecy and evidence to back up it's claims to your heart. 3. Other religions have essential falsities in them (polytheism with the nature of piety and other monotheisms with fatalism).
To sum up, Pascal's Great Wager is pretty effective if the non-believer has not researched ways to combat it specifically (because it does have some weak points). The only thing I don't like about it is that it will cause a fight or flight response in the hearer, they'll see they don't have a choice and stay to duke it out (and lose) or choose to remain neutral (choose themselves over God). Such is the nature of inescapable dilemmas.
If you don't already know me, you don't need to know. If you know me then you already know. You will find only my thoughts in this blog, hopefully you will also think.
